The Unspoken Me

In response to:Drinking and interfering family

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 12:01:05 +0200

some questions just dont need answer...

In response to:Dirty secrets

Fri, 18 May 2007 12:18:48 +0200

Thanks for the reply - and sorry if I sounded like I was coming down hard on you.

I won't pretend to know what u r going thru because each experience - gud or bad - is personal to the person.

Just please don't self-destruct. Drinking urself into oblivion might get urself into more situations where u r not in control. At least please make sure u go with a trusted person that will look out for u.

Sending u a hug cause u've got a friend in me.

In response to:Dirty secrets

Fri, 18 May 2007 06:34:01 +0200

I know and really understand what you're saying about pressing charges against him for the safety of others, it's played on my mind countless times but I just feel I've left it too late. Social services must have it recorded because they were told and present when my family found out and it was them who asked me to if I wanted to press charges initially but my parents said they'd deal with it. My cousin saw for herself once what happened so she could help build a stronger case but I just couldn't go through with it knowing that luck will probably be on his side and nothing happening. I know it's probably silly but for me that would be like events repeating themselves when my family did nothing, this time being in court and it happening there in public and me being brandished a liar.

I know for fact only my one cousin who is like my sister would support me, if my brothers ever knew about it they'd actually kill him and I don't want them to get into trouble. The rest of my family would say I'm being stupid and shaming them all by bringing it all into public. Even my cousin who walked in and saw for herself what he did has told me to forget it and keep quiet. Things are already at breaking point at home with my parents. I hardly talk to them and don't consider myself to have a relationship with them but I don't think I could mess it up further. Not in my current mental state as weak and again silly as that sounds.

I don't see his children often and my other cousins who are in contact with him but I'm constantly looking for signs that something is going on with them. It sounds so wrong but I can't help it. That worry will never leave me, and the fact that he works in public unsettles me more for the safety of others. If I could become someone else and do it I would. Without hesitating I'd do it because someone like him should not be allowed anywhere in public and it's unfair that he can carry on living anonymously when he may pose a danger to others in that way. I don't care about myself anymore, if it happened to me again it wouldn't matter but it would break me if it happened to someone else.

I'm just waiting for September when I can leave this place and start my life at uni and hopefully forget everything. Nothing is worse at the moment than returning to this house and even just locally just because of all the memories and I want to leave that all behind. He's self employed and has his own business so I couldn't even anonymusly tip his employer off and I don't have it in me to publicly tell everyone what he's done so I don't think I can do anything.

Please don't think bad of me for this. I know that I have to think of others aswell who might get hurt but I just couldn't do this myself. As bad as my relationship is with my parents, making it public would cost me my family as well as alot of people I know, I'd have to leave my home town here aswell and as selfish as it is I just can't do that right now and honestly I'm really sorry for that.

In response to:Dirty secrets

Thu, 17 May 2007 04:26:04 +0200

What I am about to say is easier said than done but you need to be strong and take charge of your life. Only you can do it. It won't happen overnight but you can make a start.

If your parents won't fight for you and protect you then you need to do it.

You need to make a conscious decision that you will not put up with this anymore.

If some people in your family already know about this, including his wife, then it's not really a secret.

Please at least consider pressing charges. Go to the police and see what they say. I don't know how far they will be able to take it seeing as it happended some time ago and they will need evidence to get a conviction but at least they should be able to do something. At least have a restraining order slapped on him.

Monsters like this need to be stopped. Not only for your safety but for the safety of others.

If they don't suffer any consequences they think they can get away with it and will continue to prey on and victimise others.

Doing something won't change what happened to you, but you may be able to save someone else from going through the same thing.

You are mad at your parents for doing nothing about it, so take charge and do something about it yourself.

Don't let people hurt you and get away with it.

Be strong.

In response to:Dirty secrets

Sat, 12 May 2007 03:25:25 +0200

Aww thankyou. I've been thinking it over forever it seems like. If my brothers knew or another family member they wouldn't hesitate in murdering him. If I was honest I've been tempted to tell my brothers because I know they's make him pay but I don't want anyone to get hurt. I'd like to be normal and be in control of myself and to be able to feel good about myself. I guess keeping strong will have to be the way forward, need to stay focussed until September when I leave because I know I'm losing myself but I'll try. Thanks again for your replies, it's made me want to get through this. All the best to you and your son. Have a good night/ day!

In response to:Dirty secrets

Sat, 12 May 2007 03:17:01 +0200

I cannot understand the actions of your parents, I cannot understand anyone in this situation not wanting to commit murder! But Im sure they have there reasons. In my opinion, just the fact that they still have contact, looks to me like they find his behaviour acceptable. BUT I do not know what goes on in there heads, and as I said, to them, there is probably a reason. Have you ever asked them why? Why they dont feel so any hate towards him, how they can even bring themselves to be anywhere near him? Different people act in different ways, use different methods of coping with situations. Of course it doesnt mean they dont care, just there way maybe. Im not sure, I dont think Im much help here! But I wish you all the best...and pls, do not feel any guilt, be strong :-)

In response to:Dirty secrets

Sat, 12 May 2007 03:05:23 +0200

In October when he came and I stopped speaking to my parents they asked me what my problem was. I was upset that they didn't realise so I just shouted at them and told them I'd leave if he came back. He hasn't but they visit his house which is their call, it just feels as if they don't care by still seeing him. Maybe I'm asking for too much but it's how I feel. When I had the argument they said they'd stop all contact with his wife and kids aswell and that just made me feel bad. I don't want them to have to be ignored because of me. They've told him not to come here but they talk to him to show they're still ok with him and so he doesn't feel hurt, it comes down to saving face just between them and him aswell. I'm moving out to uni in Sept so I'm just hoping I can make something of that and I'm not planning on coming back here to live after. There are too many memories in this house. I know I'm hurting my parents everyday when I'm ignoring them, it hurts me to be like that and I hate it, just everything is getting to me now. I wish I could be normal, even one of my siblings because their relationship with my parents is so strong.

In response to:Dirty secrets

Sat, 12 May 2007 02:52:04 +0200

You are NOT to blame. Surely your parents can keep this quiet, stop other people finding out, but still keep the man away from you? If they stopped him coming to the house, stopped any contact this wouldnt mean people would know?

In response to:Dirty secrets

Sat, 12 May 2007 02:45:33 +0200

I'm really sorry to hear about your son. I'll pray for him. It's good to hear you're there for him, though it should be like that it doesn't always happen. No it has nothing to do with religion, just saving face in the asian community. It's ridiculous how for most asians their lives revolve around honour and respect from strangers. They don't want the public to find out I guess and judge our family. Our caste is the highest and so most respected, which just restricts what we do to maintain some sort of status. It's meaningless and I'm lucky I'm not restricted in the general sense because my parents are free with us but with this I'm confused. They disregard what the community will say with little things like me going out and the way I dress but they can't stand the thought of people finding out about this. Confirms to me that I am to blame somehow. I'm just confused. I can't even hate my parents because I feel guilty.

In response to:Dirty secrets

Sat, 12 May 2007 02:35:15 +0200

I am so sorry, my son was recently abused...i know if the guy ever came anywhere near me id kill him. I cannot understand the reasons behind your parents actions, but im sure there must be a reason for it, for them. Maybe religion? shame? Are they trying to fool themselves that everyting is ok, to shut it out? who knows. It must be awful for you.

In response to:Who am I ?

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 23:37:52 +0200

who would you like to be?

In response to:"Black magic/ rubbish"

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 06:17:04 +0200

Its very hard to be you when everyone wants you to be someone else. Even harder when typical behaviours are expected of you.

But, from what you have said you were just a typical teenager, nothing more sinister than that. Your family sound as though on the whole they have managed to allow you to have that freedom to be yourself, and succumbing at the odd times to pressure from outside, have allowed you room to breath. Even English parents dont always do that.