The Unspoken Me

Drinking and interfering family

Fri, 18 May 2007 07:12:53 +0200

I've had a good few nights out these last few days. Well good depending on how you interpret it (as always). Since my kidney infection in April I thought I should take it easy on the drinking, but since Sunday night I've been getting drunk every night. Spoilt a few by drinking too much and spilling all about what's going on at home and so can't look a few friends in the face anymore. Again I'm finding I let the past ruin everything happening right now but I'm going to have to apologise as ashamed and embarassed as I already am.

I took last night off as my body is aching from the drinking and dancing but come tonight I should be ready to paint the town red (or pink judging from the show of vomiting I've been displaying this week). As alcohol is a taboo thing for me drinking it, it makes me need it more and I know I do it partly as a show of indifference to my parents who would be shocked and angry to the core if they knew what I got up to but they can't really even talk to me these days so doesn't have a great effect.

I've come to depend on alcohol aswell recently, and my cousin (I'll call her B, the one I'm close to) is trying to get me to stop all this. I can't now as in recent months I've found that the more upset or angry I am, the greater the need for me to let go and drink myself into oblivion. Even the hangovers give me something to think about other than what's going on, and after my latest convo with my cousin I really will be letting go tonight.

I understand all that she says is because she and apparantly my family are worried about me but it really is too little too late. My weight loss and lack of eating is getting to them all but the way I see it is it's my body and I have control over it. When I first stopped speaking to my parents for over 3months not once did they ask me if I'd eaten or made me eat. Any argument beforehand my mum would always have something for me regardless of whether I'd eat it or not and now that we exchange two words a day they feel they can question my eating habits again.

Besides, they don't see and hopefully will never see that it's better that I don't eat at all rather than eat and do what I do. B was going on at me all day because of me losing weight and for her and my family it seemed as if they see this as a bid for me to lose weight. I don't know how to explain how far from the truth they all are. This is about control, it's my body and I will treat it the way I want and only I have control over it. I won't allow them to dictate what I do with it, if I look unwell or don't treat it properly that's my prerogative to with it what I like because I will decide what happens to it. If it hurts them to see me do this, well for the rest of my family I can't bring myself to care and for B, it hurts me to say it but if I am doing something wrong then I'll only learn from it. I've done many things which I was told not to, knowing that the other person might be right but I've always had to do it anyway and learn for myself. And if what I am doing is wrong then I'll learn again, though I don't see anything wrong with it.

It's really frustrating because B kept talking about this as if it was all about losing weight and that's why I'm doing this but I didn't know how I could explain it to her. I wish they'd just leave me alone, it wouldn't be the first time and I wouldn't care at all this time either. They have no control over me physically or over my body, only I do. I can't tell her the truth because it will hurt her so I guess I'm going to have to go with the losing weight story even though my weight is dropping closer to being underweight. So tonight I will get as drunk as possible and spend a good half a day in total oblivion and complete bliss, I will forget everything again and will be another day closer to September after which I will be able to turn my back on this place and hopefully rarely come back.

Will the glass always be half empty?

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Dirty secrets

Sat, 12 May 2007 02:27:45 +0200

I'm so lost. I hate being down, all I seem to write here are negative things but it helps to let it out. I try my best to be positive and look happy. Everyone who knows me will say I'm a happy, smiley, positive person but the truth is I'm not and I feel that I'm so close to losing it completely.

In October one of the monsters who abused me for 10years came to my house. My family know what he did but they still let him in. When it came out they told me not to press charges because they'd deal with it. Their idea of dealing with 'it' was to send me to Pakistan for a break, two weeks after they found out I was alone in a foreign country with relatives who I'd not seen for years. I was there for the six week summer holiday period and I wish I could explain how deserted and rejected I felt because maybe that would help me somehow. When I began to think that was the worst of it, was I WRONG. A visit to the village brought another blow in the form of that abuser also being in Pakistan and needless to say with only strangers around me who knew nothing of what had happend the monster had his way time and again througout that 'break'. They knew he was going there, he only lives 5 minutes away and is family. How could they do that to me? Was it not bad enough that they sent me away from them, alone.

How am I supposed to respect them, love them and see them as parents, my 'guardians'. I'm so torn between love and hate for my parents. It hurts. They obviously weren't told about what happened during that break and since then I kept quiet about any shred of personal thoughts and feelings with my parents and everyone else. I have only told one person about it and the other two monsters but know I have to live with it alone.

My parents continued letting him into my house, without reproaching him once and I locked myself in my room every time he was around. I refuse to go to his house and so hardly see my cousins. The situation continued with my dirty secret remaining unspoken of until October.

He came over again with his family. I was unaware of the visit so was wandering around my house as usual and saw him, he just stood there and smiled at me as if everything was OK. Again I wish I could describe my feelings to help myself but it's just not possible. After this I stopped speaking to my parents. We live in the same house, I wander around them as if they're strangers. Why couldn't they see how much it hurt me and confused me, did they not care about me at all? Was family respect worth more than helping ease their daughters pain? It goes without saying, and it won't be said regardless because that's not the 'done way'. I have to live with it and continue as normal in order to save face in the community, but when did I do wrong.

He told me he did he because I was his favourite neice. That I was evil. That I was bad. That he 'cared' for me. That I made him do these things. That it was my fault. That he was helping me. That I made him do it.

I'm trying so hard not to believe that but look at all the evidence, even my parents still sat with him, laughed with him, made him feel welcome. They ignored my feelings, everything overrode me without question. I must've done something wrong. I know I'm bad now, evil. That would explain the other two monsters aswell. Coincidence? I think not, not anymore.

So together we ruined my relationship with my parents, God, attempted suicide, cut myself and now I'm bulimic. He's got seven beautiful kids, a wife who stuck with him even after finding out about me and two consequent affairs, a business and all his family looking up to him with respect. I can't even stand my own reflection. All I want to know is when it will end. When I can feel real again and smile because I'm smiling and not to keep others happy and thinking I'm normal.

It's eating away inside me and I just want it to go away. I want to forget. Repent. Become whole and pure again. I try my best to keep others happy, I just wish I could experience it myself and lose myself in good feelings. I wish somebody understood me and wouldn't look down on me for what I did.

Why do people do bad things?

I just want peace

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A beautiful marriage

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 03:38:27 +0200

As my sister's second wedding anniversary comes closer it makes me reflect on how things have come so far, as well as how fast time passes without realising it.

A conversation about arranged marriages Vs standard 'love' marriages crept up and as custom goes with this group of friends, we all had our experiences and mixed opinions on the subject.

Arranged marriage to me is the term used where the couple were assisted in finding one another. It is in complete contrast to a forced marriage where one, or indeed both parties don't get a choice in the matter. Although they might eventually work out, I can't agree with them as initially the couple may not have wanted to be together and it is simply wrong in my opinion. Personally I do not see much wrong with arranged marriages as long as the couple are happy and have not been forced into the situation.

My family generally assist in marriages, as is custom when someone goes into that somewhat formidable 'marriageable age', though they are equally happy for us to find a partner ourselves. Connections from far and wide start to inquire into the person in question- no details are deemed too personal (or rather too embarassing), in the hope of finding 'the one' for their family. It's a time where within each family there are hopeful meetings between the possible couple, evaluations of which bring about tales of embarassing moments, connections, laughter and tears- both good and bad.

I smile remembering the onset of suitable grooms coming with the possibilty of taking my sister's hand in marriage and vice versa. Standing at the top of the stairs, catching snatches of conversation and glimpsing each one with menace, "who dares to come take my sister away?" I'd stand tall and demand of my parents. 'The One' happened to be in Pakistan, standing in the background and waited almost two years to see if the spark remained between them, from a few years previously when my sister met him while on holiday.

As it happened the two were indeed still compatible, and for those who like cliches- it was as if they were meant to be. We travelled as a family to Pakistan, a rather eventful and eye- opening trip but I won't digress. My sister's now husband turned out to be eager to meet her and arrived at the airport and stayed at the family house with us. This wasn't expected and my sister was extremely embarassed having been seen by a 'prospective' (as we call these possible grooms), after a 12 hour journey where none of us were looking our best. After the jet lag and adjusting to our new surroundings my sister had her chats with the Prospective, they went out together, (which caused a few eyebrows to be raised by more conservative members of the family, but it was done in vain) and within a few days of our arrival, announced that they did want to marry and soon.

In summer 2005, all members of my family, as well as 15 cousins and aunts and uncles in tow, departed for Pakistan where the wedding was to take place. There was a manic rush to arrange the majority of the wedding in little over 3 weeks, there were tears, laughter, shouts, screams and accidents galore but it was one of the happiest times I've experienced, with almost every member of my family from both sides being present.

Eventually everyone had picked out materials for dresses/suits to be made in to, for all 5 major days of the wedding. Some being ready as little as the night before the event. Cooks and serving people were hired, fireworks purchased and all other normally unnecessary excesses booked/ bought.There was a huge marquee in the gardens and guests arrived from all over and slept everywhere! The wedding took place over five main days; there was the 'rang' which is the announcement of the wedding and an excuse to throw powdered colour over the to- be in laws, hen night when the bride has henna painted over her, stag night, marriage ceremony where the bride actually leaves and the huge feast at the end like a reception. Each night was entailed with singing, dancing and much eating. The atmosphere was thick with excitement and reflection of the married ones of their big day, and the younger one's gossiping and fantasising of what theirs will be like.

After the buzz of the wedding, when my sister was away with her husband there was a palpable anti- climax at our family home. Of our party of over 25 family members who'd come from England, only one was missing but the realisation that my sister, now married, is no longer just a part of our family but a member of another was hard to swallow. We spent the remainder of the holiday visiiting my sister and husband, aswell as dining with them at our house. Enjoying the country and creating memories which I truly long to go back to enjoy a second time.

We came back again as a family, plus one addition- my brother in law. They live locally to us and visit everyday, they are definitely very much in love and it makes me swell with pride to see my sister so happy and with a husband who loves her as much as he should. As their anniversary approaches, I smile and watch happily as their marriage continues blossoming and pray that they have much more happiness to anticipate.

Forever let us smile

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Daunting Thoughts....

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 18:23:29 +0200

I've often wondered how my life would be if things had panned out differently, if certain experiences hadn't occured or if I'd behaved differently. Though I try not to as I feel the 'onwards and upwards' attitude is important to staying happy and away from the ever nearing clutches of depression. At times it makes me feel foolish in analysing my actions at 20, when many might say I haven't yet lived but age to me is simply a number, maturity and gaining insight from life experiences are better indications of a person rather than the number of years they've lived on this earth.

As silly as it might sound, it was a TV advert that sent me on my recent self- questioning which has led me to the pool of the unknown. The advert in mention is one portraying a woman in a series of poses and actions whilst smoking, ending with the question 'who would you be without that cigarette'. I've seen it a few times and each time the question has struck me but I dismissed it each time. A few days ago I was doing nothing in particular when the question struck me once again, this time changed to 'who would you be without your past?', it was a simple enough question most likely brought about because of boredom but it's left me lost.

I still can't speak of, or, as pathetic as I am, even write about what happened directly but I will see where this takes me. From as young as I can remember, the earliest memory being aged around 5, I had a distant family member behave inappropriately towards me. Again, though I'm not sure, it went to beyond touching when I was about 7. Soon after another person, and, to this day I can't express my disgust but, simply stated is the brother of the first monster. Though with the secong it was just once, his brother, while living closer had more opportunity and he seized it with both hands. Everyday mostly, or sometimes I'd feel like God had listened to me and I'd have some respite for a few days. It ended when my family became aware when I was 14, for them that is because he, having 'God' or the devil on his side got to me twice more. Then when I was 16 I was approached by another monster, a stranger this time where again I'd been used.

During this time I developed a way of simply feeling nothing, I'd go blank and nothing could hurt me. I feel it worked to some degree. I still do it and in preparation for having my cousin leave me to start her married life, I feel it's been in constant action or you could describe it inaction of my feelings. I just can't care anymore, I'm neither happy nor sad, but stay attached enough to muster the appropriate reaction to the events that go on around me. Rather than helping me now, it leaves me believing I'm a fake, that I have no real belonging.

I cannot truly say I believe in anything anymore, but at the same time I can believe in everything. I scare myself at times because of this lack of anything emotional. Even if I were to go and seek help I wouldn't know what it would be for, also whether it would be fruitful as I would feel I'm putting on an act to show I'm ok.

At the same time, I sometimes feel that I can sympathise with many people's feelings and attitudes. It may not be a negative thing but I find myself wondering how far I could push myself and how I would feel in certain scenarios. A recent one that has left me shaken to say the least is a documentary on a murderer's profile. Throughout the program I felt myself seeing things from his perspective and noting that I could also be capable of this. Now, I'd say almost every human is capable of murder in some way or another but my disegard to the sadistic nature of it all is frightening to me.

I could get myself to forget everything, to leave my thoughts and feelings locked away and start afresh but I'm no longer certain that I could mentally feel like the new person is me. It hurts because I know that there's a loving, decent person inside me. I could never even imagine hurting another intentionally nor see someone in pain but what about the thoughts that have crossed my mind. In order to deal with these unanswerable questions, I recess further into my almost robotic state.

Did this arise from what happened to me? Would I be different if they hadn't got to me? Am I actually cursed or do I bring it all on to myself?

I tell myself I'm young, able, free, capable of taking hold of all the opportunities around me and doing well for myself. I have everything to live for and stay positive for but I'm lost.

Show me the way

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Who am I ?

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 22:21:34 +0200

The happy, laughing, positive, loud, intelligent girl who goes out drinking, partying, having fun without limit, making the most of what I have with my uni friends..

The strong, smiling, passionate, independent Muslim girl who prays, has kosher fun, deep thoughtful coversations, mad childlike laughs, spending time with the friends I grew up with...

The dependable though lazy, happy and hyper, crazy sister who tries her best to never let the smile falter on any loved one's eyes and keeping them all laughing heartily...

The bright eyed young woman, smart, content and forever smiling at anyone in public, being as graceful and polite as you can to strangers...

Or the trapped, lonely, hollow shell of a girl who attempted suicide quietly and alone three times, the bulimic with healing scars on legs and arms to match, the addict searching for the perfect escape to become dependent on. Desperate for that chastity that was stolen from me so young, repeatedly. Searching for the lost childhood that is no more, seeking closure thrice over by three different men who took what they should never have even thought of. Needing helplessly for what can never be returned.

When all the masks and faces are peeled off, I need to know just who I really am.

Show me please

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Runaway Marriage... My Fault

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 01:45:51 +0200

My cousin who I mentioned in my last entry, my best friend got married to the man she wanted. She asked her parents to at least consider the guy who she wanted to marry, she invited his mum over for dinner and her mum stayed cold and unpolite towards her throughout the dinner. Anyway my cousin was never happy, her mum was violent towards her and treated her as a slave and shackled to the house. We did manage to pull a few stunts behind their backs though and I was her partner in crime . Once she stayed over at my house and a band who she loved were doing a concert nearby so I told my parents we were going out and as they were easy they were cool but my mum told us to be careful as my cousins mum would murder us both if she found out. We got to the venue, my cousin saw the band perform live and her obvious enjoyment was priceless to me. Alas! Cinderella had a curfew and we knew her mother would call the house and find out what we were doing so we had to get home for the earlier time of 11pm. Still, a great memory and stunt pulled which we still muse over.

So my cousin started feeling the constraints that her parents were putting on her last year and as her relationship continued in secret she became more reckless with meeting her bf and keeping it away from her parents knowledge and the secrecy from her parents hurt her alot. She wanted them to give her a chance to show she could make a decision for herself and give her a bit of independence. I remember on her 16th birthday she wrote a card to her dad asking for freedom and a bit of independencee, this was responded to by not being at her party and withholding the usual expensive gifts for her. They never held back when it came to buying her gifts or anything she wanted but when it came to a little bit of freedom or independence the possibility of tainting their honour was too much for them. They live by what other people think of them.

This was part of the problem for allowing her to marry. Our family caste, though meaningless here and to almost anyone else (including myself) is one that is 'respected and honourable' and to uphold this we're meant to marry someone else of the same caste, this does not mean family but members of the same group in a manner of speaking. And the guy, though a decent man in anyones standards and the same religion which is fairly important, he was not the same caste and so marrying him was out of the question. But when you believe you've found love, you can't just stop loving and my cousin couldn't either.

In November my cousin told her parents she would be at work when she went to meet her bf and somehow her parents found out. She got home to find her mum and dad really angry, waiting for her. They asked her where she'd been and when she said she'd been at work they told her they knew the truth and her dad punched her in the head, twice. She called me and told me she was leaving and going to marry her bf soon. I was disgusted by her dad's actions and told her she was welcome to come here and as she had built a mother- daughter relationship with my muum, I knew she's happily open the doors to her. She didn't want to involve my family because of the repercussions it would have after she left so instead we planned how she'd leave.

The wedding date was set for mid- December and unfortunately it clashed with an exam I had so I couldn't attend which is hard for me to remember. I attended the registry marriage but the actual wedding day I was absent. Anyway over the weeks building up to the 'escape' I used to visit and carry bags of clothes and things to my house where it would be easier to take to where she's living now. She stayed at my house the night before which we didn't sleep but had a great night reminiscing and enjoying eachothers company. We had a tearful goodbye when I left to do my exam and she went off to get married. Later that day, she and her husband called her parents to tell them what they had done. There was alot of cursing and screaming from my cousins parents who demanded she go home or be disowned.

My cousin had a very difficult time until just recently. Her parents harassed her and myself and were relentless in their threats. As they live local to me I feared for my safety and my cousin asked me not to go out alone or late which I listened to. She stopped getting threats around the end of January because they were all directed at me, I being the older one should have told them, should have stopped her and should have stopped any of this happening. It was my 'duty' to have done this and because I had failed, because I saw that my cousin was miserable at home and helped her the way I saw best and her parents so disagreed upon, I became their villain. I still am.

They eventually saw that they could not turn their backs on their only daughter and would live with whatever shame she had brought upon them within the community. They're relationship is alot stronger which I am thankful for because it's put the smile back on my cousins face. On her first meeting with her parents, my cousin asked me to go along with her. I was nervous and could not forget their words but I'd never say no to my cousin so I went along. The reunion was emtional and made me cry myself though my feelings towards my cousins parents never changed. They showed me that their olive branch of peace was reserved only for their daughter and not their neice by remaining cold and silent towards me. After 4 hours with their obvious hostility towards me I left my cousin to her parents. I guess I'll always be the scapegoat for my cousins parents but it leaves me at a loss for words. I've only ever tried to do my best for my cousin as her happiness is my priority, her parents failed to do that so I helped my cousin just like she's helped me on so many occasions. It just makes me wonder why people are so quick to judge a person for the worse, why is it so difficult to see when a person is only trying to do good.

As hopeless as it might seem, I do believe if we lived and let others live how they want to it would make life all the more easier. Giving the benefit of the doubt and taking a chance by having faith in someone would in more cases that not, prove that most people out there are good, and all they want is a bit of happiness themselves.

Live and Let Live

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My cousin and me ::)

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 21:30:45 +0200

My cousin called earlier on, she's coming tomorrow and I just can't wait! It's been nearly 3weeks since we last saw eachother and it's so hard adjusting to her not being so close.

Simply put, that girl is my soul mate. Only a few months separates us age-wise (me being the older one) and we grew up next door to one another until we were about ten. Since then we've just depended on one another for everyhing and spent countless days together, laughing, crying and just sharing I guess. But she married in December and lives 2hours away now, I guess if it was done in the standard way then maybe it would be easier but as usual real life is alot different to the desired life.

She was raised completely different to me, while my parents were easy going and relaxed, hers were very strict on her and in a sense distant. She longed to have parents like mine and it's weird because I felt like I wanted her parents- I could see some of the reasons behind their strictness and just showed me they loved her but were too protective and made me feel that maybe my parents didn't that's why they let me do as I wanted. I know differently now and that some of us simply are never satisfied! So as my cousin was raised in her way, and me mine, people in the community would notice us together and state how my cousin is like the perfect daughter and me the opposite. They said she should be kept away from me because I wasn't good and the reputation has stll stuck, the local asian lot are these days disapproving of the fact that I'm out late and of all the stupid things I walk around with my head up (apparently I should walk with my gaze lowered- I'm not even going to bother commenting on the stupidity of this). Little do these people know that I laugh at their opinions, I am who I am and I can't be moulded into someone I'm not. They should have tried a bit harder to change me before I started thinking for myself.

Anyway we used to hang out everyday just doing silly things but her mum never approved. She'd tell us as girls we shouldn't go out or play up but the thing that stayed with me more was how she blamed me for everything that went wrong. If my cousin was to fall and hurt herself, somehow I was blamed. If she answered her mum back, it was my fault. If she started a liking for something her mum didn't apprve of, again it was my fault. Other members of my family noticed but didn't say anything, I didn't know until recently when it came up in conversation and another aunt told me.

So my cousin started rebelling against her mum even more, she didn't notice her mums attitude towards me at that point but we continued wreaking havoc in the way kids do and passing time. Now I see that her mum is jealous of the relationship me and my cousin have. She is her only daughter and tried hard to build some sort of relationshp with her but she just didn't know how, the more she failed, the colder she got and now I won't speak to her.

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"Black magic/ rubbish"

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 05:43:36 +0200

Ok so I need to get some things off my chest. I absolutely hate people who can't accept their own mistakes, I don't even expect apologies if someone has done wrong to me but for fucks sake at least hold your hand up and admit it. Whenever I've done something wrong and believe me I have done loads of bad things, I always accept my mistakes, hell I've even accepted the blame for other peoples mistakes because they can twist things and make me feel as if I was the wrong doer. Sometimes I feel that within the family I'm some sort of devil the way that if anything bad happens the cause can somehow always be traced back to me.

I grew up thinking I had some sort of bad spirit inside me and people would be like seek help for me and help 'cleanse' me before I get out of hand. I don't know how familiar everyone is with spirits and black magic but within asian families alot of them believe in these bad spirits that someone with a vendetta will send to an enemy to make their lives bad. Believe me when I learned about this I thought it was all rubbish but I've seen things that prove that black magic does exist but not in the exaggerated way that some people believe. I mean I know this woman who if you compliment her new clothes for example, say later on in the day/week/month the clothes get messed up in some way the woman will be like omg so and so did black magic or gave nazar, which means to curse in some extent (my urdu isn't great!)

Yeah so this black magic/ cursing is what alot of the older generations spend their lives revolving around (something bad happens in the house, 'omg who's done black magic on us?!) It pisses me right off, it builds up the safety net of shifting the blame onto some unseen power that you can't control for when something happens so you clear yourself of any blame. I hate it. Like the other day my aunt called and told my mum that her son broke his arm. She was like omg this other woman had visited that day and they were watching the kids in the garden when the visitor said that my cousin had grown so much and she must've put nazar (cursed) her son somehow. When I heard I was like W-T-F is wrong with these people, my idiot cousin climbed a fucking tree, lost grip and fell on his arm. He's a kid, they fall and hurt themselves all the time but NO it had to be black magic. I swear that woman is losing the plot and you know what pisses me off even more, it's the fact that she isn't alone in thinking that way. Almost every older asian I know believes in this rubbish the way my aunt does.I said before I do believe it exists cos I've seen it but I don't point the cause of every bad thing in my life to black magic, it's just ridiculous. I thank God endlessly for giving me parents who aren't deluded like some others in my family.

Anyway sorry I'm a bit tired so might go off the point at times! So when I was younger I was a bit hyper and other times a recluse. I didn't conform attitude and behaviour wise to the expectations for an asian girl. OK so they 'should' be quiet, neat, obedient, speak perfect urdu and other stuff and for a start I was a messy child, answered parents back, noisy, always out with my brothers and basically not the expected child for an asian but a perfectly normal kid. Interfering aunts and uncles would constantly tell my parents to get me seen by a religious man to find out what was wrong with me and they did take me. It started around the age 9 I think. So all these comments used to anger me so much, I'd keep quiet but always used to be mad cos there was nothing wrong with me, there isn't. These people are just so indoctrinated to a certain train of thought and standards of behaviour and I just didn't conform. It hurt because I was just being me and I was being seen as posessed. Since then I've always been wary of my actions and what I do because I don't want people to think like that of me and I never let my guard down. I hate it because when I try to be me I'm always thinking what will the other person think of me and I try not to.

I dunno it's confusing.

Comments

First Entry!!

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 05:30:50 +0200

I finally did it!!! I've been meaning to do this for so long but never got round to it, things just build up and I guess I will use this to put down thoughts and things.

So I'm planning to go to university in September, should be Bristol but going to wait and see what happens. I'm going to be nearly 2years behind and I'm so anxious about this, I've been at another university for a year and a half then in Decemeber decided I didn't like the course so now waiting to start Economics. Really excited, can't wait to get back in that environment of learning with the social side of it. My liver will be screaming for mercy by the end of the first week but it's all part of the experience lol.

Well saying that I really need to clear my head about religion. I'm a Muslim and though in my heart I know for sure that it is the truth and only religion for me, I feel that I'm also a failure of a Muslim and at times shouldn't call myself one purely so that the name of Islam is not tainted. I don't cover myself up (wearing the most flimsiest of clothes that I can just about get past my parents in lol), I hardly pray, I drink alcohol, I've slept with past boyfriends. I feel so lost right now, I get so guilty when I think of my actions and see some of my friends who are excellent examples of happy modern Muslim women but I can't seem to get myself to commit to it. I used to be fairly religious before but slowly things have changed and I've become this person who I don't even know anymore. It scares me and makes me feel so isolated from everyone else because I feel like I'm putting on an act for the different people I hang around with then when I'm alone I don't know how to be because I just don't know who I am.

There've been some quite big changes in my life in the last few months and I've started something which I know is very stupid but at the same time I still do it. I'm hurting my body and pushing it to the limits and I don't know why but I need to. Physically I've changed drastically, I've lost over 3stones and on my way to becoming underweight, changed hair colour, dress sense and mentally I'm just trying to figure out whats going on. I feel like I've switched off mentally and letting something else take control over my actions and now I'm waking up and seeing whats changed. The scary thing is I know this is probably the time to seize control and sort myself out because I'm semi-aware that this is all wrong, not just with regards to religion but something else is not quite right and if I don't help myself now I'm going to lose myself.

Give me strength

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