I've had a good few nights out these last few days. Well good depending on how you interpret it (as always). Since my kidney infection in April I thought I should take it easy on the drinking, but since Sunday night I've been getting drunk every night. Spoilt a few by drinking too much and spilling all about what's going on at home and so can't look a few friends in the face anymore. Again I'm finding I let the past ruin everything happening right now but I'm going to have to apologise as ashamed and embarassed as I already am.
I took last night off as my body is aching from the drinking and dancing but come tonight I should be ready to paint the town red (or pink judging from the show of vomiting I've been displaying this week). As alcohol is a taboo thing for me drinking it, it makes me need it more and I know I do it partly as a show of indifference to my parents who would be shocked and angry to the core if they knew what I got up to but they can't really even talk to me these days so doesn't have a great effect.
I've come to depend on alcohol aswell recently, and my cousin (I'll call her B, the one I'm close to) is trying to get me to stop all this. I can't now as in recent months I've found that the more upset or angry I am, the greater the need for me to let go and drink myself into oblivion. Even the hangovers give me something to think about other than what's going on, and after my latest convo with my cousin I really will be letting go tonight.
I understand all that she says is because she and apparantly my family are worried about me but it really is too little too late. My weight loss and lack of eating is getting to them all but the way I see it is it's my body and I have control over it. When I first stopped speaking to my parents for over 3months not once did they ask me if I'd eaten or made me eat. Any argument beforehand my mum would always have something for me regardless of whether I'd eat it or not and now that we exchange two words a day they feel they can question my eating habits again.
Besides, they don't see and hopefully will never see that it's better that I don't eat at all rather than eat and do what I do. B was going on at me all day because of me losing weight and for her and my family it seemed as if they see this as a bid for me to lose weight. I don't know how to explain how far from the truth they all are. This is about control, it's my body and I will treat it the way I want and only I have control over it. I won't allow them to dictate what I do with it, if I look unwell or don't treat it properly that's my prerogative to with it what I like because I will decide what happens to it. If it hurts them to see me do this, well for the rest of my family I can't bring myself to care and for B, it hurts me to say it but if I am doing something wrong then I'll only learn from it. I've done many things which I was told not to, knowing that the other person might be right but I've always had to do it anyway and learn for myself. And if what I am doing is wrong then I'll learn again, though I don't see anything wrong with it.
It's really frustrating because B kept talking about this as if it was all about losing weight and that's why I'm doing this but I didn't know how I could explain it to her. I wish they'd just leave me alone, it wouldn't be the first time and I wouldn't care at all this time either. They have no control over me physically or over my body, only I do. I can't tell her the truth because it will hurt her so I guess I'm going to have to go with the losing weight story even though my weight is dropping closer to being underweight. So tonight I will get as drunk as possible and spend a good half a day in total oblivion and complete bliss, I will forget everything again and will be another day closer to September after which I will be able to turn my back on this place and hopefully rarely come back.
Will the glass always be half empty?
