The Unspoken Me

I've had a good few nights out these last few days. Well good depending on how you interpret it (as always). Since my kidney infection in April I thought I should take it easy on the drinking, but since Sunday night I've been getting drunk every night. Spoilt a few by drinking too much and spilling all about what's going on at home and so can't look a few friends in the face anymore. Again I'm finding I let the past ruin everything happening right now but I'm going to have to apologise as ashamed and embarassed as I already am.

I took last night off as my body is aching from the drinking and dancing but come tonight I should be ready to paint the town red (or pink judging from the show of vomiting I've been displaying this week). As alcohol is a taboo thing for me drinking it, it makes me need it more and I know I do it partly as a show of indifference to my parents who would be shocked and angry to the core if they knew what I got up to but they can't really even talk to me these days so doesn't have a great effect.

I've come to depend on alcohol aswell recently, and my cousin (I'll call her B, the one I'm close to) is trying to get me to stop all this. I can't now as in recent months I've found that the more upset or angry I am, the greater the need for me to let go and drink myself into oblivion. Even the hangovers give me something to think about other than what's going on, and after my latest convo with my cousin I really will be letting go tonight.

I understand all that she says is because she and apparantly my family are worried about me but it really is too little too late. My weight loss and lack of eating is getting to them all but the way I see it is it's my body and I have control over it. When I first stopped speaking to my parents for over 3months not once did they ask me if I'd eaten or made me eat. Any argument beforehand my mum would always have something for me regardless of whether I'd eat it or not and now that we exchange two words a day they feel they can question my eating habits again.

Besides, they don't see and hopefully will never see that it's better that I don't eat at all rather than eat and do what I do. B was going on at me all day because of me losing weight and for her and my family it seemed as if they see this as a bid for me to lose weight. I don't know how to explain how far from the truth they all are. This is about control, it's my body and I will treat it the way I want and only I have control over it. I won't allow them to dictate what I do with it, if I look unwell or don't treat it properly that's my prerogative to with it what I like because I will decide what happens to it. If it hurts them to see me do this, well for the rest of my family I can't bring myself to care and for B, it hurts me to say it but if I am doing something wrong then I'll only learn from it. I've done many things which I was told not to, knowing that the other person might be right but I've always had to do it anyway and learn for myself. And if what I am doing is wrong then I'll learn again, though I don't see anything wrong with it.

It's really frustrating because B kept talking about this as if it was all about losing weight and that's why I'm doing this but I didn't know how I could explain it to her. I wish they'd just leave me alone, it wouldn't be the first time and I wouldn't care at all this time either. They have no control over me physically or over my body, only I do. I can't tell her the truth because it will hurt her so I guess I'm going to have to go with the losing weight story even though my weight is dropping closer to being underweight. So tonight I will get as drunk as possible and spend a good half a day in total oblivion and complete bliss, I will forget everything again and will be another day closer to September after which I will be able to turn my back on this place and hopefully rarely come back.

Will the glass always be half empty?

I'm so lost. I hate being down, all I seem to write here are negative things but it helps to let it out. I try my best to be positive and look happy. Everyone who knows me will say I'm a happy, smiley, positive person but the truth is I'm not and I feel that I'm so close to losing it completely.

In October one of the monsters who abused me for 10years came to my house. My family know what he did but they still let him in. When it came out they told me not to press charges because they'd deal with it. Their idea of dealing with 'it' was to send me to Pakistan for a break, two weeks after they found out I was alone in a foreign country with relatives who I'd not seen for years. I was there for the six week summer holiday period and I wish I could explain how deserted and rejected I felt because maybe that would help me somehow. When I began to think that was the worst of it, was I WRONG. A visit to the village brought another blow in the form of that abuser also being in Pakistan and needless to say with only strangers around me who knew nothing of what had happend the monster had his way time and again througout that 'break'. They knew he was going there, he only lives 5 minutes away and is family. How could they do that to me? Was it not bad enough that they sent me away from them, alone.

How am I supposed to respect them, love them and see them as parents, my 'guardians'. I'm so torn between love and hate for my parents. It hurts. They obviously weren't told about what happened during that break and since then I kept quiet about any shred of personal thoughts and feelings with my parents and everyone else. I have only told one person about it and the other two monsters but know I have to live with it alone.

My parents continued letting him into my house, without reproaching him once and I locked myself in my room every time he was around. I refuse to go to his house and so hardly see my cousins. The situation continued with my dirty secret remaining unspoken of until October.

He came over again with his family. I was unaware of the visit so was wandering around my house as usual and saw him, he just stood there and smiled at me as if everything was OK. Again I wish I could describe my feelings to help myself but it's just not possible. After this I stopped speaking to my parents. We live in the same house, I wander around them as if they're strangers. Why couldn't they see how much it hurt me and confused me, did they not care about me at all? Was family respect worth more than helping ease their daughters pain? It goes without saying, and it won't be said regardless because that's not the 'done way'. I have to live with it and continue as normal in order to save face in the community, but when did I do wrong.

He told me he did he because I was his favourite neice. That I was evil. That I was bad. That he 'cared' for me. That I made him do these things. That it was my fault. That he was helping me. That I made him do it.

I'm trying so hard not to believe that but look at all the evidence, even my parents still sat with him, laughed with him, made him feel welcome. They ignored my feelings, everything overrode me without question. I must've done something wrong. I know I'm bad now, evil. That would explain the other two monsters aswell. Coincidence? I think not, not anymore.

So together we ruined my relationship with my parents, God, attempted suicide, cut myself and now I'm bulimic. He's got seven beautiful kids, a wife who stuck with him even after finding out about me and two consequent affairs, a business and all his family looking up to him with respect. I can't even stand my own reflection. All I want to know is when it will end. When I can feel real again and smile because I'm smiling and not to keep others happy and thinking I'm normal.

It's eating away inside me and I just want it to go away. I want to forget. Repent. Become whole and pure again. I try my best to keep others happy, I just wish I could experience it myself and lose myself in good feelings. I wish somebody understood me and wouldn't look down on me for what I did.

Why do people do bad things?

I just want peace