I've often wondered how my life would be if things had panned out differently, if certain experiences hadn't occured or if I'd behaved differently. Though I try not to as I feel the 'onwards and upwards' attitude is important to staying happy and away from the ever nearing clutches of depression. At times it makes me feel foolish in analysing my actions at 20, when many might say I haven't yet lived but age to me is simply a number, maturity and gaining insight from life experiences are better indications of a person rather than the number of years they've lived on this earth.
As silly as it might sound, it was a TV advert that sent me on my recent self- questioning which has led me to the pool of the unknown. The advert in mention is one portraying a woman in a series of poses and actions whilst smoking, ending with the question 'who would you be without that cigarette'. I've seen it a few times and each time the question has struck me but I dismissed it each time. A few days ago I was doing nothing in particular when the question struck me once again, this time changed to 'who would you be without your past?', it was a simple enough question most likely brought about because of boredom but it's left me lost.
I still can't speak of, or, as pathetic as I am, even write about what happened directly but I will see where this takes me. From as young as I can remember, the earliest memory being aged around 5, I had a distant family member behave inappropriately towards me. Again, though I'm not sure, it went to beyond touching when I was about 7. Soon after another person, and, to this day I can't express my disgust but, simply stated is the brother of the first monster. Though with the secong it was just once, his brother, while living closer had more opportunity and he seized it with both hands. Everyday mostly, or sometimes I'd feel like God had listened to me and I'd have some respite for a few days. It ended when my family became aware when I was 14, for them that is because he, having 'God' or the devil on his side got to me twice more. Then when I was 16 I was approached by another monster, a stranger this time where again I'd been used.
During this time I developed a way of simply feeling nothing, I'd go blank and nothing could hurt me. I feel it worked to some degree. I still do it and in preparation for having my cousin leave me to start her married life, I feel it's been in constant action or you could describe it inaction of my feelings. I just can't care anymore, I'm neither happy nor sad, but stay attached enough to muster the appropriate reaction to the events that go on around me. Rather than helping me now, it leaves me believing I'm a fake, that I have no real belonging.
I cannot truly say I believe in anything anymore, but at the same time I can believe in everything. I scare myself at times because of this lack of anything emotional. Even if I were to go and seek help I wouldn't know what it would be for, also whether it would be fruitful as I would feel I'm putting on an act to show I'm ok.
At the same time, I sometimes feel that I can sympathise with many people's feelings and attitudes. It may not be a negative thing but I find myself wondering how far I could push myself and how I would feel in certain scenarios. A recent one that has left me shaken to say the least is a documentary on a murderer's profile. Throughout the program I felt myself seeing things from his perspective and noting that I could also be capable of this. Now, I'd say almost every human is capable of murder in some way or another but my disegard to the sadistic nature of it all is frightening to me.
I could get myself to forget everything, to leave my thoughts and feelings locked away and start afresh but I'm no longer certain that I could mentally feel like the new person is me. It hurts because I know that there's a loving, decent person inside me. I could never even imagine hurting another intentionally nor see someone in pain but what about the thoughts that have crossed my mind. In order to deal with these unanswerable questions, I recess further into my almost robotic state.
Did this arise from what happened to me? Would I be different if they hadn't got to me? Am I actually cursed or do I bring it all on to myself?
I tell myself I'm young, able, free, capable of taking hold of all the opportunities around me and doing well for myself. I have everything to live for and stay positive for but I'm lost.
Show me the way
