I finally did it!!! I've been meaning to do this for so long but never got round to it, things just build up and I guess I will use this to put down thoughts and things.

So I'm planning to go to university in September, should be Bristol but going to wait and see what happens. I'm going to be nearly 2years behind and I'm so anxious about this, I've been at another university for a year and a half then in Decemeber decided I didn't like the course so now waiting to start Economics. Really excited, can't wait to get back in that environment of learning with the social side of it. My liver will be screaming for mercy by the end of the first week but it's all part of the experience lol.

Well saying that I really need to clear my head about religion. I'm a Muslim and though in my heart I know for sure that it is the truth and only religion for me, I feel that I'm also a failure of a Muslim and at times shouldn't call myself one purely so that the name of Islam is not tainted. I don't cover myself up (wearing the most flimsiest of clothes that I can just about get past my parents in lol), I hardly pray, I drink alcohol, I've slept with past boyfriends. I feel so lost right now, I get so guilty when I think of my actions and see some of my friends who are excellent examples of happy modern Muslim women but I can't seem to get myself to commit to it. I used to be fairly religious before but slowly things have changed and I've become this person who I don't even know anymore. It scares me and makes me feel so isolated from everyone else because I feel like I'm putting on an act for the different people I hang around with then when I'm alone I don't know how to be because I just don't know who I am.

There've been some quite big changes in my life in the last few months and I've started something which I know is very stupid but at the same time I still do it. I'm hurting my body and pushing it to the limits and I don't know why but I need to. Physically I've changed drastically, I've lost over 3stones and on my way to becoming underweight, changed hair colour, dress sense and mentally I'm just trying to figure out whats going on. I feel like I've switched off mentally and letting something else take control over my actions and now I'm waking up and seeing whats changed. The scary thing is I know this is probably the time to seize control and sort myself out because I'm semi-aware that this is all wrong, not just with regards to religion but something else is not quite right and if I don't help myself now I'm going to lose myself.

Give me strength