Ok so I need to get some things off my chest. I absolutely hate people who can't accept their own mistakes, I don't even expect apologies if someone has done wrong to me but for fucks sake at least hold your hand up and admit it. Whenever I've done something wrong and believe me I have done loads of bad things, I always accept my mistakes, hell I've even accepted the blame for other peoples mistakes because they can twist things and make me feel as if I was the wrong doer. Sometimes I feel that within the family I'm some sort of devil the way that if anything bad happens the cause can somehow always be traced back to me.

I grew up thinking I had some sort of bad spirit inside me and people would be like seek help for me and help 'cleanse' me before I get out of hand. I don't know how familiar everyone is with spirits and black magic but within asian families alot of them believe in these bad spirits that someone with a vendetta will send to an enemy to make their lives bad. Believe me when I learned about this I thought it was all rubbish but I've seen things that prove that black magic does exist but not in the exaggerated way that some people believe. I mean I know this woman who if you compliment her new clothes for example, say later on in the day/week/month the clothes get messed up in some way the woman will be like omg so and so did black magic or gave nazar, which means to curse in some extent (my urdu isn't great!)

Yeah so this black magic/ cursing is what alot of the older generations spend their lives revolving around (something bad happens in the house, 'omg who's done black magic on us?!) It pisses me right off, it builds up the safety net of shifting the blame onto some unseen power that you can't control for when something happens so you clear yourself of any blame. I hate it. Like the other day my aunt called and told my mum that her son broke his arm. She was like omg this other woman had visited that day and they were watching the kids in the garden when the visitor said that my cousin had grown so much and she must've put nazar (cursed) her son somehow. When I heard I was like W-T-F is wrong with these people, my idiot cousin climbed a fucking tree, lost grip and fell on his arm. He's a kid, they fall and hurt themselves all the time but NO it had to be black magic. I swear that woman is losing the plot and you know what pisses me off even more, it's the fact that she isn't alone in thinking that way. Almost every older asian I know believes in this rubbish the way my aunt does.I said before I do believe it exists cos I've seen it but I don't point the cause of every bad thing in my life to black magic, it's just ridiculous. I thank God endlessly for giving me parents who aren't deluded like some others in my family.

Anyway sorry I'm a bit tired so might go off the point at times! So when I was younger I was a bit hyper and other times a recluse. I didn't conform attitude and behaviour wise to the expectations for an asian girl. OK so they 'should' be quiet, neat, obedient, speak perfect urdu and other stuff and for a start I was a messy child, answered parents back, noisy, always out with my brothers and basically not the expected child for an asian but a perfectly normal kid. Interfering aunts and uncles would constantly tell my parents to get me seen by a religious man to find out what was wrong with me and they did take me. It started around the age 9 I think. So all these comments used to anger me so much, I'd keep quiet but always used to be mad cos there was nothing wrong with me, there isn't. These people are just so indoctrinated to a certain train of thought and standards of behaviour and I just didn't conform. It hurt because I was just being me and I was being seen as posessed. Since then I've always been wary of my actions and what I do because I don't want people to think like that of me and I never let my guard down. I hate it because when I try to be me I'm always thinking what will the other person think of me and I try not to.

I dunno it's confusing.